We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My ATM looks so different sober.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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