2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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