A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
