i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
