I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
