i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Im part way to drunk.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
