i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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