Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
