it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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