I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
