remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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