Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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