Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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