My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
All I want is dick and wine.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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