the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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