I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
time to smoke my breakfast
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
