if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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