I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
as a side note pls kill me
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