Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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