I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
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We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
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At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.