i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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