i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
