I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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