Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
