Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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