dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
