turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
love makes seman taste better
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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