I'm drive I can fine osifer
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
