I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
