The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
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I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
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also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
there is glitter all over my balls
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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