the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This baby is an asshole
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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