I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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