i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
