we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I lost the right to judge tonight
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
