I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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