I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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