I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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