stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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