Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk