I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce