My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
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It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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