Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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