Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
