My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
