i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
