I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
