We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
