There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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