a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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