She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
