I didn't shave. On purpose
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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