We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
