I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
