Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
