i wish my penis had a tongue
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
