You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
