I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
