Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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